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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will
learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used
for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former
USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will
learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold,
tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it
did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood
will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call
it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since
only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you
face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins
promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with
high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

21 Posts
Brilliant. I copied the text and sent it to a friend in New Jersey. We will be on holiday there on 4th July. He thinks it is fantastic and is insisting we read it out aloud around the barbecue he is having.

Premium Member
1,179 Posts
Thats amazing! love it! going to have to email it to all i know, expecially my canadian friend, she will LOVE it!

726 Posts
M5 SUT said:
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
Not exactly new..

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